Double D Dilemmas

Let’s talk bras.  I know you want to.  I am going to guess that all women, regardless of breast size, have an issue with these little buggers, or big buggers depending on how well endowed you are.  A  few days ago, my mom bought new bras.  My mom is 72, and as we all know, the older one gets, the farther south boobs migrate.  Hers have reached a new low. She has become so used to having a bra that has no support, that buying one that does support her feels odd and not right.   I had to help her get the things up where they (sort of) used to belong.  Once we had accomplished this feat, it was apparent that the saleswoman who “helped” her, hadn't really helped her much.  The woman measured her, brought her a few to try on, and then went merrily about her business.  Here’s the thing, the measurements were off.  The reason?  The measurement is taken around the rib cage and over the top of the boobs and then translated to bra size and cup size.  If all women were exactly alike, this would work out beautifully.  The issue is we’re not all alike.  Some of us are 72 and have boobs that sag down to our navel, and a rib cage that measures at 50 inches.  Then there are those like my niece, who’s rib cage measures at about 32, but who has very large breasts, one of which is just a bit larger than the other.  As if it's not hard enough to be a teenage girl. Imagine that in the locker room during PE.  Then there are women like my friend, who’s rib cage measures at about 38 or 40, but who has very small boobs.  How the hell do you find a bra to fit any of these women?  You don’t.  One has to come as close as they can and put up with it.  I have long known that I don’t ever rely on the sales person or their measurements.  I look at the bras, all the bras, choose a few that look as if they might work, and then get busy in the dressing room.  I go in with 6 or ten or whatever, and, if it’s a good day, I might come out with one that fits well enough for me to take it home.  If it’s an extraordinary day, it might even be pretty.  This is something the bra makers have ignored for far too long.  How do you make these ridiculous, necessary pieces of fabric pretty and functional?  As long as the boobs don’t go above a 38 D, all is well.  There is a tremendous selection of pretty bras under that number.  Above that?  Forget about it.  The “big” name brands don’t even bother to display their product on a rack.  They jam them into boxes which the lingerie store then places into drawers, requiring the customer to dig through and untangle and hope that maybe this one will fit.  They usually don’t, and even if they do, wow do we get a plethora of colors to choose from.  White, beige, and black.  That’s it.  That may work for some of us, even I have one of each of those colors (or non-colors), but I also like choices and I like to match my undergarments to whatever it is that I happen to wear that day.  I don’t believe that I am alone.  Just because a woman has 58 F boobs, doesn’t mean that she doesn’t want to wear a pretty bra. The bra manufacturer’s have made the decision for us.  If you are bigger than a 38 D, no pretty bras for you.  I know this, because I am a 38 DD.  Occasionally I can find something that is moderately pretty, but none of them look like the bras I see in "classy lingerie shops."  I have to go to places like "humongous boobs shop here" to find the stupid things, and then I am bombarded with gigantic, wide strapped, steel reinforced tit slings.  They all have patterns naturally, but I’m not sure what the hell the makers are thinking.  It’s a complete crap shoot.  I found one I really, really liked.  It was a pale yellow, with lacy bits, and Fleur-De-Lis' embossed into the fabric.  I happen to be a New Orleans Saints fan, so it appealed to me on a couple of different levels.  Unfortunately, it only went up to size 38 D.  What the hell?  This is "humongous boobs shop here" we’re talking about.  Why the hell doesn’t it come in larger sizes?  Get with the program! Of course some of you will say that I need to shop online.  Here’s the problem with that.  I can’t try them on until I receive them.  Once they come in the mail, it’s another crap shoot whether or not they will fit properly or whether I will end up having to send them back.  Usually it’s the latter.  Here’s the second, and certainly the larger issue.  I can’t afford to buy 10 of these buggers at a time.  Bras are expensive. 40 to 100 dollars a pop.  If I bought ten, well, you do the math.  I can’t do it.  I need to be able to go to the store and try them on and then choose which one of the least ugly and uncomfortable will go home with me.  If I am lucky, I find a brand that works, and then I buy a couple at a time and wear them until they fall off.  Another issue is that if your weight fluctuates at all, your bra size does too.  I was wearing a 42 DD for awhile, then I went down to a 36 DD and now I’m at a 38 DD.  So I have all these sizes lying around.  I don’t dare get rid of any of them because I might need them at some point, and I certainly don’t want to go through the rigmarole that I went through the first time to get them.  It’s a conundrum. How do we solve this problem?  We get vocal until “they” decide to make bras that fit and are pretty and are affordable.  Yes, there are specialty shops, but it irks me to have to pay double the price that some tiny-titted toddler pays, to wear a pretty bra. Am I jealous?  You bet.  Not only that, the pain and suffering endured is unconscionable.  I have been treated as if I am a pariah because I have large breasts that just don’t fit into the latest fashionable titty attire.  One sales woman even rolled her eyes at me.  What the hell?  What happened to female solidarity?  Why should I have to wear a bra that even a nun wouldn’t wear?  I want pretty bras and I want them to fit properly and I want them to be affordable and I don’t want to be treated poorly when I ask for them.  I don’t think that’s too much to ask.  Don’t get me started on plus size clothing…