Two Funerals and a Cremation or Doves and Death

I don’t want to die.  In fact I rarely think about it, much less talk about it;  

however,  I was reading an essay about embalming, and I started thinking:  How much does a funeral cost and will I have enough dough when I go?

            I Googled “funeral costs” and this is what I discovered at one of the more prestigious death emporiums.  If I start saving now and continue until I turn in my keyboard and lay these weary fingers to rest, I could have the “Elegance” treatment.  On the other hand, I could scale down and go for the economy service, “Harmony” and only have to save for the next ten years.  It’s a tough choice.  I have attempted to live a good life and deserve the best, yet the thrift shop goddess in me screams, be prudent. 

            The Harmony package is really very nice.  I would get basic burial services, embalming, and care and preparation.  Thank goodness, I would hate to go in the ground unprepared.  The Elegance package is the same in this regard, so on that score, they’re even.  The Harmony package offers no visitation, while the Elegance package has two full days for grieving family members to come and shed tears and drip snot on my carefully embalmed and prepared body.  So far Harmony is ahead.

            Harmony offers eight different casket choices, while Elegance only gives me four.  The fact that the Elegance caskets are substantially more expensive is of little consequence to me, I like choices.  Harmony still leads. 

            Now we get to the real meat (is this a bad choice of words?) of the matter.  Harmony offers carnation boutonnieres, but Elegance will pin a rose to the living lapel.    Elegance goes on to give me a DVD tribute.  I always wanted to be memorialized on a DVD after my death.  I wonder if I could make up some jokes and record them before I go just so no one gets too serious.  Still more, Elegance offers me an organist, a soloist, and a professional music ensemble at my service.  I wonder if they would replace the organist with a juggler, the soloist with a mime and the professional music ensemble with Metallica?  (Note to self, look into this.) 

            The thing that sent me soaring off the ledge I had been teetering on between Harmony and Elegance was this:  Dove release.  Wow.  This sounds cool.  I wonder if they use real doves or homing pigeons made up to look like doves?  Well I definitely choose Elegance.  However, I need to go back and just refresh my memory on the prices once more.  Yes, yes, there they are.  Harmony checks in at $6,415 while Elegance is a mere…$23, 354.  Gulp.  Backpedal.  Search frantically on the website.  There it is!  Just have me cremated for $1,888 and bury me in a Starbucks bag.  You can probably get some crows to fly over.  I won’t care, I’ll be dead. 

I wrote this several years ago.  Today, much to my surprise, the cost of Elegance has decreased; however, the soloist, professional music ensemble, and dove release are no longer offered. Harmony is more expensive than before and nothing has been added.  On a positive note, one can be cremated for under 500.00 at many funeral places.  Perhaps there is a burn barrel in the alley?